Congratulations, you have won yourself a 'Penis Pump'!
Who knew that this would be required...
With the prostatectomy booked in for early May, there was time for the urology team to get me ready for life without a prostate. Like I mentioned in my previous post, up until this whole drama started, I did not actually know what a prostate really added to my life…I do now (thank you AI):
‘The prostate is a small gland in the male reproductive system that produces fluid for semen. It's located in the pelvis, below the bladder and in front of the rectum.’
Now with that knowledge acquired, I can happily say that after producing four amazing, beautiful and healthy children, I am quite happy for Dr Akhtar to go ahead and whip that bad boy out off me. The less time that ‘it’ is inside me the better quite frankly.
However, (there is always a however isn’t there in these circumstances!) what was also being discussed is the risk that they will damage the nerves that allow me to get an erection. I was told that there is a left nerve and a right nerve and they sort of spiderweb around the prostate, and with the cancer escaping out of the right side of my prostate Dr Akhtar wanted to have a good cut around the area to make sure he gets all of those cancerous cells:
Dr Akhtar: “Mark (we had got onto first name terms now, it just feels right 😊), when we perform the prostatectomy I am going to try and save your nerves, however, it might not be possible and this will leave you with ED”
My Brain: “Save my nerves? That doesn’t sound too bad, you do what you need to do Doc to get this thing out of my body! What the hell is ED?”
Mark: “OK. ED?”
Dr Akhtar: “Erectile dysfunction”
My Brain: “Come on world, give us a fucking break! Erectile dysfunction? I am 46 years old, I have loads of sex in me yet!”
Mark: “Yes, please try to save my nerves.”
Dr Akhtar: “I will get the ED nurse to walk you through what we can to help ready for post surgery”
After the consultation with the Doc, I was handed over to the ED nurse (what a job title hey, can just imagine the conversations that she has down the pub…”What do you do for a living?”, “Oh, I help old men get erections”) and guess what, more bloody pamphlets!
ED Nurse: “Mark, I know that this can be distressing, but there are plenty of things that we can do to help. Would you like your wife to join us in this conversation”
My Brain: “No sodding chance is anyone joining me in these conversations thank you very much! Dr Akhtar is a superhero and he is going to save my nerves and I will be back to my former sex god status in no time. End of conversation”
Mark: “Thanks, but no, not at this stage”
ED Nurse: “No worries. Well there are a couple of things that you can do prior to surgery that will help with recovery afterwards. One is to make sure that you do your pelvic floor exercises and we can also prescribe you a pump”
My Brain: “Pelvic floor, easy peasy…squeeze your arse cheeks together a few times a day, I am all over that. Pump…is that not for making your little fella and bigger little fella? Tell me more!”
Mark: “Pump? What for?
ED Nurse: “We can prescribe you a penis pump so that after surgery you can ensure that the blood flow into your penis can continue to happen. Erections will normally do this for you, however, no erections no blood flow. If you don’t use it, you will lose it (that was her catchphrase every time I saw her)”
Mark: “Ok, in for a penny, in for a pound”
With prescription in hand for my new penis pump, off I went to Boots (why the hell I went to the busiest pharmacy on the High Street, I do not to this day) and dropped it into the lady behind the till. She looked at it, stopped, looked at me, then said “One minute please”…off she went towards the back. Now at this stage I was in hope that she was not going to bring a massive box out with PENIS PUMP written on the side for all in the queue behind me to see. When she returned, she said “We are going to have order this one in, it will take about a week”…”Thank you” I replied and I legged it out of there.
One week later and I was the proud owner of an NHS supplied penis pump. It was like Christmas Day when I went to pick it up and off I went home to explore what this new toy could do for my little fella. How sorely disappointed I was! When I opened up the box it was like a torture device, literally a plastic tube with a rubber seal on one end and on the other a handle to pump. This is a link to the item in discussion.
I am not going to share too much here, my mum might be reading this, however! Whatever you do make sure that when using the device, all testicles remain clear of the tube entrance. I did not make sure this was the case on one occasion, and it sucked one of my poor unsuspecting testicles right on up into the tube. It takes your breath away and trust me, you never do it again.
Now, I appreciate that the NHS afforded me this to help with my recovery (thank you tax payer!), however, I really did not get along with it. It was basically really uncomfortable whenever I used it. So I decided it was time to get one that was actually designed for a mans more sensitive area and dived on to LoveHoney.com to order one of their basic pumps. Gents, I do not look back. In the bin went the prescribed Victorian torture device (before you ask, yes I did give it a wash and drop it into the recycling bin, save the world from plastics and all that).
As for the pelvic floor exercises, I have a far greater respect now for the ladies. Fuck me they are hard to get right. I downloaded an app (Squeezy) to help me along and wow, I was knackered after each time. I was told that men generally have lazy pelvic floor muscles and that is why it can be so hard to get them activated, and boy they weren’t wrong. However, I was adamant to control any post-op peeing problems, so I diligently did my exercises three times a day. All I am going to say at this stage is that I am so glad that I started them when I did.
Hope I haven't scared you off yet…head on over to my next post “Goodbye prostate my old friend”
If you need more support then there are some great charities ready to help:
United Kingdom: https://prostatecanceruk.org
United States: https://www.pcf.org