Prostate biopsy, it fucking hurts!
And I escaped the worst bit 🫣
You join me at the biopsy bit! And let's be real before we get started here, it fucking hurts (and I escaped the worst bit!).
Life Tip: Do not Google ‘Video of a transrectal biopsy’…you will be visually scarred and also trying to understand how there was no excessive amount of expletives coming from the man on the op table!
So after leaving Dr ‘massive fingers’ consulting room, I knew then that I was going to be on the NHS investigation pathway to understand what the hell was going on with my prostate and to see if they could sort me out. I will be honest here, it was a bit of a whirlwind experience of letters dropping onto my doormat over the coming weeks asking me to attend this, that and the other appointment…I decided to just lean into it and go with the flow. What else could I do, my future was in their hands and without even meeting them I trusted this set of mainly faceless people implicitly. Until it came to the biopsy and there was something that they just did not talk about…how bloody painful and uncomfortable it is.
If you are reading this and have been through the ‘procedure’, you will relish in the fact that you are a surviver and that can make all the guys (and even some women) in the office, down the pub or in the Tesco's self serve checkout queue wince and grab their testicles while you explain how big a needle it was and where it went! Post prostate biopsy men - You are my heroes!
Now, if you are reading this and are yet to have the ‘procedure’, then Godspeed to you my friend! The story on the other side is something that no one can take away from you, and you to can then join the club that can make grown men tear up. I think that they call it Type 2 fun nowadays?
This is my recollection of what happened to me….
On the morning of the op I woke up and had my brekkie (this is important information) and with appointment letter in hand, I skip my way, I am lying I walked really slowly to distance me and that op table for as long as possible, to the day patients department in the local hospital and present myself at the receptionists counter. After a brief exchange of pleasantries, off I get taken to a little room that can only be described as a holding cell and told to get underdressed and into my op gown (you know the one, the one that you just can’t seem to get all of the little cord ties in the right order and your arse is permanently showing). I do as I am told and jump on the bed and wait for further instructions.
Now at this stage I am panicking, I ain’t going to lie, I was in fight or flight mode. I had watched that video about the ‘procedure’ and I am the last person on this planet that likes any sort of pain…please God don’t do this to my poor little (did you know that a prostate is the size of a walnut…hey, everyday is a learning day) prostate!
A really nice nurse popped in and did all my bits and pieces, weight, height, sign the ‘your relatives can’t sue us if you go towards the light on the op table’ form and then in pops the anaesthetist. And the conversation goes something like this:
Anaesthetist: “You are here today for a transrectal biopsy, blah blah blah blah, when was the last time you ate anything?”
My Brain: “Well that was a lot of information to take in whilst I am having my first ever mild panic attack, and did he ask me about food?”
Me: “I had toast this morning at about 7:00am”
Anaesthetist: “Agggh, that should be OK, we will do you last’
My Brain: “What do you mean ‘that should be OK, we will do you last’? It was just a slice of toast and the letter said that I will be under a local anaesthetic and fully awake while you lot go stabbing between my balls and bum hole”
Me: “Why last?”
Anaesthetist: “We have got you in for a general anaesthetic. OK, see you later, bye”
My brain: “My fucking prayers have been answered, I am going to sleep the whole way through it and wake up all refreshed and ready to go home for my dinner. I am going to eat like a King tonight!”
After watching a stupid amount of mind numbing TV on my phone, the op team then come and collect me and walk me (after the nurse sorted my robe out…they must see so many bottoms in a course of a day!) round to the pre-op room and swiftly put me to sleep.
The next thing I know I am staring at a ceiling in the recovery room with a nurse beside me checking my stats and other important stuff. I then come to the realisation that whilst enjoying my nanny nap time, someone must have come along and booted me in my perineum with a size 13, steel toe capped Doc Martin that had 32 knitting needles attached to the end to it…
My Brain: “OMFG! What did they do to me, give me drugs…any drugs, just give them to me and do it now!”
Nurse: “How you feeling?”
My Brain: “How am I feeling? I know that you are here to care for me and I really do appreciate your life dedication…but what a stupid fucking question to ask after having chunks of my prostate extracted through a knitting needle”
Me: “A little bit sore”
Nurse: “As soon as you can lets get you up and walking, it will help recovery”
My Brain: “I am never going to be able to walk again, there must be a bruise the size of Wales down there!”
Me: “Sure thing”
I am pleased to say that I did manage to walk again, but hell, I was like John Wayne who had shit his pants for at least a week afterwards. And the bruising, it was like every colour of the rainbow was on full technicolor between my ball sack and bum. But I did it, and thankfully I will never have to go through that again.
This is just my story and I have had the pleasure (pleasure?) of speaking to other men that have all went through fully awake and survived this procedure. It had to happen, I knew it had to happen and the information they got from me agreeing to this procedure allowed them to tailor my treatment plan…and with this I personally thank them, you were just doing your job 😊.
If you have had or are waiting for a biopsy and want to share your experience, please feel free to comment below (keep it light though please people!).
Ready for more…head on over to my next post “Scans, scans and more scans”
If you need more support then there are some great charities ready to help:
United Kingdom: https://prostatecanceruk.org
United States: https://www.pcf.org
It just a PCR test right? What cycle threshold do they turn it up to , to get the results they want, to tick the cash box.
Read ‘the great prostate hoax’ book , on Amazon (just the synopsis will assist). Or don’t….your call.
I was conscious through my biopsie, felt and sounded like they were using a diy staple gun