"I am good thanks"...I think I smell bullsh*t!

I joined my first virtual peer support group recently...

“I’m fine”…“All good thanks”…“Not too bad”…have I missed any? When I get asked how I am, these are often the responses that I will give and they are responses that I often get when I ask others how they are.

Thank goodness for the inability for us men to tell the truth in what is really going on in our life’s. Thank goodness that society has historically taught us men to provide for our families and keep them safe. Thank goodness that no man is expected to let their guard down and show a weakness, even in the darkest of times. Right?

I call bullsh*t!

And before you ask, yes, I have popped my crash helmet on ready for the incoming comments. But I just had to say this one as I see it.

So why the content of this post? Well, I went to my first virtual prostate cancer peer support group recently and I felt a slight weight lift without any judgement or feeling any less adequate as an individual. So this is me sharing what I learnt from opening up online in front of a group of strangers.

And let me answer that next question you may have…

You the reader: “I subscribe (if you don’t yet, make sure you press the subscribe button below so I land directly into your inbox😉) to this guy who overshares on Substack, why would he feel the need to join a peer support group?”

Me: Good question there reader! Here is the answer…There is some sort of unseen barrier between you lovely lot that read this and me, I am sort of protected by what I share as I get to read/re-read/re-re-read what I have written before pressing the send button. A peer support group feels somewhat more immediate and exposing.

So why this online support group? I got recently introduced to John through the tackleprostate.org team. John and his wife Emma run a peer support group in his local UK town (Harrogate) called ‘the dodgy walnut’ and now they have launched a virtual support group so that they can widen their reach nationally. You can read the full reasoning on why they initially set the group up, however, this caught me when reading it:

“The first step is always the hardest, but everybody present is dealing with similar issues, similar concerns. Although we all own our odyssey and that is unique to us, the areas of concern, challenges which are placed in our path, frustrations which confront us every day are common to us all” - John, The Dodgy Walnut

So the day came, it was a Wednesday evening at 19:00. I grabbed my Mac (yes I love my MacBook…we are pretty inseparable) and up we went to the quietest room in the house and closed the door.

My brain: “What is going to happen? Who is going to join? What do I say, do I share everything? Do I share nothing and stay quiet in the bottom right hand corner of the screen? How many are going to join?

I paced the room a little before settling down on the chair and pressing the Teams link to join the call, and this is from someone that is very comfortable with joining online video calls. Up popped the ‘share video’ button which prompted me to adjust my position, check there was no greenery in my teeth and I took a deep breath…up I popped in the call. No backing out now…they have seen me!

John: “Hey Mark.”

Me: “Hey John, hey everyone else.”

My brain: “Well this isn’t too bad. It feels a little like I am listening in on someone else’s conversation, but that is all good. That is what we are here for”

Now obviously I am not going to share what was discussed in the session, that is for the groups ears only. What I can say is that it felt liberating to meet others that are in the same lifeboat and hear it directly from them.

I opened up with sharing my experience with prostate cancer, the reason why I got tested, the biopsy (unwritten rule to always share this story with other men), what procedures and treatments I had and where I am today. There was no pressure to talk, no pressure to share, you could just sit and listen to others and this is where the magic happens. A bunch of middle aged men chatting prostates/no-prostates/erections/no-erections/incontinence/hormone therapy treatments/active surveillance etc. No topic was considered off limits and this I truly welcomed. It was all real, no bullish*t and thankfully no pamphlets (if you haven’t heard, I bloody hate pamphlets!)

I never considered myself as one that would go to a peer support group, but I did feel that I managed to share something off myself that may of helped someone else feel a little less inadequate, a little more aware or even a little less frightened. Because, trust me, it can be a scary and lonely place, especially when you have not had anything else like this happen in your life.

Overall, if you are considering going to a support group but there are some anxieties in doing so, I would recommend trying an online support group first. There is nothing stopping you from switching off your camera and microphone and just listening in, these are individuals that are connected through a common thread, a true understanding and really want to support each other.

There is another major benefit of these groups…where else can you freely talk about pissing yourself and erections or lack of erections without public shaming😉.

If you have any questions about this peer support group, you can find more details here: https://tackleprostate.org/support-groups/the-dodgy-walnut/

And before I wrap this post up, let us not all forget that cancer (and other health diagnosis’) do not just affect the individual, it can easily affect those around us.

Till next week!

If you need more support then there are some great charities ready to help:

United Kingdom: https://prostatecanceruk.org

United States: https://www.pcf.org